UAE vs England

Friends back home will be delighted to know this is not a forthcoming football fixture; we couldn't take any more humiliation right now...


It's funny how you can find almost polar opposite examples of good and bad regarding certain elements of culture here and in England.


One struck me today when I telephoned a certain government helpline in the UK to deal with an issue. The woman, a Scot, was either having a niggly sort of day, or had been taught that the best way of dealing with customers was to be assertive.

In the way one might call Bush, Cheney et al. assertive when it comes to foreign policy, I mean. She wasn't polite.

On the evidence of her speech and tone, I got the impression that she expected everyone who called to know the answers to the questions they asked her.

I suddenly remembered that this is not unusual for the UK. There seems to be an awful lot of people manning (or 'womanning'?) helplines who think that courtesy is something you do when the Queen enters the room.

In contrast, the UAE helplines are answered by people who - give them credit - can speak and be polite in a number of languages. Even if they can't actually help you.

The majority of them appear to be Asians and non-UAE Arabs (since few locals would take a job answering phones) and for those of you who are wondering why lots of major companies in the UK have redirected their helpline centre traffic to India, you might get your answer from this!



So, 1-0 to the UAE after telephone helplines. First to five wins:



STARING

Sure, there's a lot of uncovered people in England, especially in summer and especially on the beaches. As Muslims we are taught to cover up and avert the eyes. Harder to do when you come from an English seaside town. There's so much flesh on show that you could imagine there would be more eyes-on-stalks in the UK but.... no.

For any woman who's ever been sweet-talked with the line You'd even look good in a paper bag - there are lots of men over here who'd probably agree with Romeo. Staring is a pastime, largely confined to the Asian men (but by no means all of them; there are many who set a good example that the others should notice... if they weren't intently staring at a pair of eyes in a mass of nondescript black clothing).

Of course, I'm not ignoring the fact that most of these men have left dire economic circumstances so that they can provide for their families back home; many are married with children but only get to visit home as little as once every couple of years (in some cases).

By the way, if this comment and attribution of blame isn't politically correct... well, what would you like me to do about it? Everyone who comes here notices it and it's clear where most of the staring is coming from!


Emphatically, an equaliser for England. 1-1.


DRIVING


Safety-wise? Easy. The laidback swagger you see from most of the locals here is in sharp contrast to the frantic I've-just-woken-up-and-found-that-my-crucial-business-meeting-started-three-minutes-ago-on-the-other-side-of-town-plus-I've-already-been-delayed-by-a-gaggle-of-geese-crossing-the-road manner in which they drive. Tailgating is a national sport here.
In England, pulling over to the side of the road is what you do when you're tired or you have a puncture.
In the UAE, it's what you do if an Emirati roars into view behind you.

England 2-1 UAE.


DRIVING: The Sequel

Now let's talk road-rage. I mean genuine road-rage, as in hand signals you won't find in the Highway Code, and pursuing people for miles whilst flashing and beeping incessantly.
OK, in the UAE, you will get beeped (at least once a week, even if you are the perfect driver) and the flashing means "You're in my way and I'm still late for that business meeting, now move it!" (as discussed in the previous point).
However, I am quite sure that most of the beeping and flashing is totally without animosity. If it happens to the Briton and then, at the next set of lights, he finds himself adjacent to the perpetrator, to his utter shock he will generally discover that the honker is not glaring at him (whilst simultaneously allowing him the opportunity to practise his lip-reading skills to elicit contentious information about his mother) but sitting calmly in his seat waiting to charge off at the green light.
Actually, come to think of it, most of the windows are tinted so much that I can't be sure whether or not they're growling and cursing... or whether that light actually is green...

England 2-2 UAE


HOSPITALS/ HEALTH CARE

People will tell you that the NHS is pretty poor. Wait a year for vital keyhole surgery and leave with a free dose of MRSA and a pair of scissors jiggling around somewhere inside you.

OK, all of that's pretty bad.

But I'm quite sure that the NHS is preferable to a health care 'system' which operates (no pun intended) by a few key principles:
* Inject first, ask questions later (except the one that checks you have appropriate insurance);
* Prescribe drugs first, ask questions later;
* Prescribe drugs second, ask questions about repeat prescriptions for the first set during;
* If this white coat's his size, he's probably safe to advise/dictate life-or-death issues.
I won't go on and on about this but here's a minor and major example:
(1) Friend's son goes in with abnormal swelling, doctor suggests an injection. Friend asks for alternative, doctor suggests tablets. Friend asks why injection was suggested first, doctor replies tablets would take a few days to work.
Diagnosis: Jab-happy doctors in town.
(2) Woman goes to hospital to give birth. Complications lead to need for caesarean section. Surgeon accidentally cuts through bladder. Bladder bleeds. Surgeon panics and... leaves operating room... and hospital.
Woman's life saved by rare, almost mythical creature. (A competent doctor in the UAE).
Diagnosis: HELP!!

England 3-2 UAE


WEATHER

Right, this is a quick point if ever there was one.

Yes, the UAE is great for a holiday... in winter.

At all other times, if you can afford not to work so that developing your tan is the most sweat-generating activity you enjoy (we're certainly not talking about me here), the weather is OK... however if you have to go anywhere in daylight, or you prefer to sleep at night without the aid of air conditioning, you need to avoid summer. Which lasts ten months of the year, by the way.
Right now the real summer hasn't actually hit and it's a moderate 40C in Al Ain (although humidity is up today, making it more like Dubai and Abu Dhabi).

I haven't forgotten being on the tube in a London summer... but there's no contest on this one.

Plus I'm biased because I love the rain and can't wait to feel/see/hear/taste it again!

England 4-2 UAE


SAFETY

This is cut and dried.

My wife walked to the mall the other night, down the back streets, in the dark, with just her friend for company. She wasn't attacked or harassed, she didn't feel intimidated, she got home safe and sound, praise to God.

(She was probably stared at on the way, mind).

England 4-3 UAE


SAFETY

I know, I already did safety. But can you believe that?! It was 10pm!!

That's worth an extra point, right?

England 4-4 UAE


FREEDOM

This is going to be controversial.

I mean, one of the 'safety' reasons we moved to the UAE is because, as Muslims, we have a little bit of a siege mentality living in the UK. There's always something in the papers or on the radio (I'm thinking a certain Talksport show in particular) that proves how little Muslims are understood, but also, judging by forums I occasionally come across, it's so disappointing to find that we sink to the level of those who have got nothing better to do than throw abuse at us without understanding.

So here, I have the freedom to walk to the mosque whenever I want, without feeling threatened (I guess this is the safety aspect again), it's normal to say assalamu alaikum and InshaAllah to others... I even have the freedom to eat halal meat wherever I go!

But...

A lot of the freedom is an illusion.

I heard in a brilliant lecture by Anwar Al-Awlaki that one of the signs of the last days was that the Muslims would employ security forces to prevent the word of God being spread.

We hear about agents doing exactly that: questioning people about why they're meeting, warning them not to meet, even occasionally deporting those who are involved.

Not only that; in nearly all mosques the Friday sermon is one that has been prepared centrally and disseminated throughout. It also generally includes prayers for the current and previous shuyookh of the UAE. (Not that I have any inclination to speak ill of these leaders, past or present, but I am assured that were I to do so I would be in big trouble. Come to think of it, at my school, you will be reprimanded for walking/talking in the national anthem, but walking/talking when the Qur'an is being recited is, apparently, not a problem*).

* So, when the Qur'an is recited, listen to it, and be silent that you may receive mercy.
Holy Qur'an (7:204)

Whenever I sit through one of these khutbah, I long to be in London where the sermons are typically relevant and motivating (and not in any way that the media-manipulated terror-consumed public should be worried about!) - and in English, fortunately.

The UAE isn't the only place you can see this happening, of course. This attempt to control everyone is futile anyway - or it should be, as long as we work hard against it. There's a great part in the film V for Vendetta where one of the characters mentions in her diary the importance of the very last inch of us... within that inch we are free. She's referring to integrity; ultimately not compromising what you believe to be right.
I can't help feeling that if I get to visit London when I return to England, I quite fancy a brief sojourn to Speakers' Corner to remind myself what freedom of speech is all about.

That's the winner.
England 5-4 UAE